As surely as the sun shall shine, babies are born and the elderly die, pain shall be experienced. Pain comes in many varieties; through a stab that pricks your flesh and draws blood, words that linger in your mind and cloud your thoughts like an overcast sky, or actions taken that strike at your heart with venomous claws and leave deep scars that time alone cannot heal. The avoidance of pain is hardwired into us, it is the driving force behind the majority of our decisions. It is at constant war with the pursuit of pleasure and these drives wage battle within us from the moment our eyes blink open until they are sealed shut. The battle is waged because the pursuit of pleasure has the capacity to lead to pain, and even when said pleasure is attained it can be found to have simply been an airbrushed nightmare.
When hurt, the natural inclination is to point a finger of rage and indignation at those whom we deem culpable. In our story they are black hearted villains with the vilest intentions and manipulative spirits. Sometimes this is the reality, I am well aware of this. They twist your words, downplay and ignore their errors, and attempt to exaggerate minimal slights in an effort to artificially even out the moral playing field. You will be electrocuted with statements such as, “It’s not your business”, “But I didn’t know”, and when they are feeling particularly comfortable and bold, “So what?”. Your shock at their callousness, false victimisation and inability to empathise causes you to stretch the limits of your understanding past its breaking point and conform to their warped view of reality, because you care. Or at least you convince yourself that you should. With each instance of acceptance, you lose a part of yourself. The self-respect that allows you to walk with your head high and feel comfort within depletes like a waterbody under the desert sun. Your vitriol towards them consumes you when in private but you feel the need to smile and be personable in their presence. The cognitive dissonance is crippling.
If you are blessed enough to escape this cycle, do not think that the pain will subside immediately. Being consumed by fury and disgust is a natural part of the process. The heart which you had twisted so completely for the sake of another will burn like rolling paper touched by the flame of a lighter, unobstructed by the winds of placating thought. The mountains of understanding that you scaled come crashing down under the gravitational pressure of reality. The value that you attributed to the connection proves to have been coal rather than diamond. Do not bar yourself from these feelings as they are the precursor to change. They tell you that your self-worth and value have not been completely lost, they were simply repressed under the weight of your delusion. Your anger is in part towards them but it is majorly directed towards yourself. These things did not just happen to you, you let them happen. You were not carried along, you made decisions, whether that be in activity or passivity. You saw the warning signs and chose the path of ruin. You allowed a destructive entity to enter your sanctuary. You welcomed them in. This is not an assignment of blame, it is a share of accountability. Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is the only way to move forward. If the finger stays pointing outwards you rob yourself of control.
This is a process of learning, educating yourself with your mistakes and growing from them. Your wounds will heal with time only if dressed with reflectiveness. As you go forth the spectre may return with a contrived plan to haunt you once more. Hold firm and do not heed their phantom call. You do not have to slip back into the nightmare, you always have a choice.
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